Thursday, December 28, 2006

12 Valid Reasons Not To Come In To Work

1. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

4. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

5. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Purists Do Not Rejoice

Removable Tattoos Coming Next Year

hulktattoo.jpg

How many people would get a tattoo if it didn't come with a lifetime commitment? I certainly would seriously consider getting inked if I didn't have to worry about being happy with my choice in 50 years. Scientists at a company called Freedom-2 LLC have developed an ink that can be removed with a single laser treatment, making it simple to remove when you decide you don't want that 30 Seconds to Mars tattoo anymore.

The fancy regret-free ink should be available to parlors early next year. Look for jokey, stupid tattoos to skyrocket by about 10,000,000%.


Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Time Warner Cable Sucks

Time Warner gets fussy with DirecTV over "false advertising"

There's nothing like a warm, heartfelt lawsuit to really spread that holiday cheer, and we've got yet another battle in the courtroom about to get cranked up, and this time it's between rivals DirecTV and Time Warner. While TWC still can't claim the ability to offer the fledgling NFL Network on its cable systems, DirecTV felt the need to boast not only about its "superior coverage," but to also rub a little salt in Time Warner's wound by informing folks in NFL towns that games shown on the NFL Network "couldn't be seen" on Time Warner. Although the claims seem somewhat legitimate, Time Warner insists that "all eight games featured on the NFL Network will also be available to local fans over broadcast networks," which apparently wasn't the message being conveyed to pigskin-loving consumers. Regardless, DirecTV dug its hole a tad deeper by hiring Jessica Simpson to state that the firm's HD quality "beats cable," which is quite the laughable statement to anyone familiar with "HD Lite." In the end, however, we're sure the ads will be removed (or at least reworded), and the two firms will continue to bicker in future bouts, but what fun would it be if these two actually decided to get along, right?


OK Here I go, lately I've been lately hating Time Warner Cable. It all started when I moved to my new pace in Sherman Oaks. I had the Time Warner cable, phone, and Internet at my previous place. When I moved to my new place they told me I will need to get Adelphia for a little while and then they will change to Time Warner. When I had Adelphia everything was cool and worked good.

The real trouble started when I bought my dlp projection HDTV they told me to come . I waited for like 1 1/2 weeks for an appointment so they came and installed everything and the HDTV DVR box worked a whopping six hours then just died. I went to the Adelphia service center to get the box replaced and did so supposedly they did not have any HDMI cables which I requested but that was OKtomorrow. I came in on Saturday my day off and there was a huge line so i just decided to wait. I was there more than 30 mins so I get to the teller and she is like we do not supply HDMI cables. So I just got pissed off and left. I wasn't really too pissed off because later I talked to some people and some got one and some did not.

Recently my new box is having problems the sound keeps cutting off and its needs to be restarted which really sucks if you are recording a show. I went to the same service center know which is now named Time Warner finally. The teller told me that they don't have those boxes I have they have an older version called "moxi" don't quote me on the spelling. Which I know everybody who had one had to get it replaced for the new one that I have. Also those boxes require "professional installation" which requires an appointment. I told her I just want to exchange the box and that my schedule does not permit me being at home waiting for a repair man to show up. Her response was we done have any and we don't know when we will be some in January , February,etc. she would not give me an answer. She said that I could watch regular cable in the mean time.

The really pissed me off because I don't want to watch regular cable on a $2k HDTV also not to mention the extra fees associated with the HDTV channels. I bought the TV to watch HDTV period. I don't know which direction Time Warner is going with its customer service but definitely its not the right one. I'm actually contemplating switching to satellite.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24:The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

29: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

“BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next!




This is our Bible guys please read and cherish these laws as they where the ten commandments. If you break one of these laws. The only way to redeem yourself is a round at the bar or a lap dance at your favorite watering hole.

-v

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

WOW Whats Next

Humping Dog USB Drive Robs Us All of Precious Dignity

humping_dog.jpgThere's really not much to say about this product that the video doesn't eloquently say for me, so why don't you go ahead and watch it and then come back. It's OK, I'll wait.

There, you see? There's no word on how to actually buy one of these, but let's go ahead and consider that a blessing in disguise for any of you who would actually use this thing in public.

Humping Dog USB Drive [Digital World Tokyo]




You will have to see the video. This an instant world. I hope we start to carry them at work.
-v

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I Hope they Can Keep It Up

DVD Wars: Amazon Puts HD-DVD Ahead

hddvdsalesranks.jpgHome theater buffs still undecided about which next-gen DVD they should buy should visit thedvdwars.com, where they use Amazon as a data source to determine which format is "winning" the dvd wars right now.

However, data by itself only gives part of the picture. But it's an important part. As of today, HD DVD is winning



I'm happy because I'm a big fan of the 360 and I purchased the HD-DVD add on unit for it. I HD-DVD takes off and the disks will be cheaper and more easter eggs.

-v

Ever Heard of Wang Spray? Neither Did I

German Wang Spray is Instant Condom: From Liquid Rubber To Sweet Love in One Second


sprayoncondom.jpgA German firm has developed a spray-on condom for all your lifestyle needs. The liquid condom comes in an aerosol can that you spray onto the organ in question. A few seconds later, the liquid solidifies into the familiar latex and forms a tight seal. The company says it's a great time saver and is easier to use than traditional condoms. It's still in the testing phase (in fact, they're looking for volunteers right now) so it might be a while before it hits the neighborhood drug store. Now there's no "but I hate putting it on" excuses. And anything that promotes safety and responsibility is A-OK in our books (usually).

WOW! That is hilarious wang spray huh. I could see the benefit of a product like this especially if you can get them at Costco in the 3 gallon aerosol spray cans. I just have some feedback for the manufacturer.

1. It will need a warmer so the liquid or spray whatever will be warm. As all guys know you don't want to spray anything cold on your wang.

2. I understand how to apply it but i dont think the problem is their.The removal is the tricky part.

But anyways those crazy Germans keep coming out with new stuff and I will keep LMAO.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

So Here I am

New Blogger setup. I heard it cooler than Wordpress but will use both at least for now. Any thoughts or ideas you want me to write about just let me know. Its hard for me to get the initial creativity going but once i get it going I do alright.


-v
Powered By Blogger